Articles Tagged with divorce

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your marriageImproving your marriage in 2018. If you are half of one of the millions of couples who are in an unsatisfying marriage with your spouse, the New Year is here. For 2018, how about resolving to improve things at home?

Taking Steps to Improve Your Marriage

The problems in your marriage did not develop overnight and your marriage is  going to improve overnight, and it is not going to improve without specific, targeted changes. That being said, perhaps it is time to buckle down and get to work:

  • Get your head around the fact that you are going to have to make changes to improve yourself before you can improve your relationship with your spouse. Figure out what you need to do to become better, stronger, more flexible, happier, etc. How can you bring your A-game to your relationship?
  • Focus on one key thing you can do to make your partner happier. It does not have to be a huge thing; just something that will make it clear that you are tuned in to the relationship. Put down your phone during meals; quit commenting on bad driving; take out the trash before it is overflowing. Tiny adjustments can make a world of difference, so jump in!
  • Greet your partner with genuine affection. When you run into friends at the mall, you smile, make eye contact, and find out how they are doing. Why not do the same with your spouse?  That to-do list can wait until after you have asked about the workday and shared a few basic pleasantries.
  • Go to bed at the same time. Even if it is just to share a few moments talking, connect with your spouse at bedtime.
  • Avoid withholding feelings of dissatisfaction. Instead, discuss problems openly and honestly, with an eye toward creating mutually satisfying solutions.
  • Apologize when you are wrong. Whether you forgot something important to your spouse, overreacted to a silly event, or let unkind words slip out. Saying the words I’m sorry with sincerity always helps.
  • Connect. That’s right. It’s more than coordinating schedules or fulfilling your share of the household obligations. Connecting with your spouse is the single most important thing you can do to create a healthy relationship.

How can you do that? Here are some quick and easy tips:

  • Engage your spouse in a topic that he or she is passionate about.
  • Flirt a little.
  • Turn off the television.
  • Surprise him or her for no special occasion.
  • Do something together—take a walk, read a book, share a sundae…
  • Exercise together.

Continue reading →

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Divorce WarsDivorce wars can happen when couples divorce. Frayed emotions and angry circumstances can combine to make it tempting to try to play dirty. The fact is, resorting to the nasty games of divorce wars make you look bad and does not necessarily improve the outcomes for you. Instead, go into your divorce with everything on the table. Although you want a divorce attorney who fights aggressively for your interests, underhanded tricks really do not pay off.

Being Open and Honest With Your Attorney and Avoid Divorce Wars

As you prepare for your divorce, it is essential that you are open and honest with your attorney.  Particularly when circumstances are strained, you can anticipate that your spouse will attempt to paint you in a bad light. If your lawyer knows everything, preparing for court becomes an exercise of skill. Do not let your attorney be surprised by bombshells lobbed by the other side.  Tell the truth about everything and act in a responsible manner:

  • If you have sent unpleasant texts or emails, do not fool yourself into thinking that just because you have deleted them, they no longer exist. There is every possibility that they will show up if your spouse thinks it will benefit his or her case.
  • If you have assets that you think no one knows about, be aware that the other side will likely have detectives snooping around to see what turns up.
  • If you are in possession of assets that you are pretty sure your spouse is going to request, do not sell those items in spite.
  • Children are people. Do not degrade your spouse in their presence or try to turn them against your spouse.
  • If you are thinking of charging up a load of debt to dump on your spouse, think again.
  • Although most people have social media accounts these days, be careful of what you post on yours. Avoid rash, emotional posts that could get you into trouble later.
  • If you have a new love interest, do not flaunt it. Keep that person away from your spouse, the courtroom, and any other place that might cause the situation to become enflamed.

After the Divorce

Once your divorce is finalized, make sure you follow the court’s orders. Particularly if there are children involved, remain poised to interact in a civil manner. Now, that may be difficult, especially if your former spouse is reading from a divorce wars playbook. Nonetheless, behave with dignity, and be smart:

  • Avoid interactions when you have been drinking or if you are upset.
  • Pay child support with a check so you have a record of the transaction.
  • Document any issues as they occur in case you wind up back in court at a later date.
  • Honor visitation rights, even if support payments are behind. You do not want to be in contempt.
  • Encourage kids to have a healthy relationship with your ex and the in-laws. There is no such thing as too much love for a kid.

Continue reading →

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holiday season divorceA holiday season divorce? Is your marriage on the rocks? If it is, the holidays will not magically repair things. In fact, some studies indicate that the stress of holiday shopping, traffic, and family gatherings can put even more strain on relationships. One survey revealed the somewhat astonishing fact that over 8% of married individuals contemplate separation or divorce during the holiday season. The statistics for women are even higher; nearly 13% of them have divorce on the brain. The majority of respondents say they will wait until after the holidays to bring up the topic of a split, but about 30% report just wanting to “get it over with,” and will be presenting their plans to split before Christmas. Either way, an experienced divorce attorney can help get you through it.

Holiday Season Divorce – Think it Through

Obviously, ending a marriage is a huge decision. Before doing anything rash, spend some time really evaluating your situation. Is a holiday season divorce what you really want? Have you explored options to save the marriage? Are you feeling overwhelmed by the seasonal pressures, and reacting by trying to escape your life? Be sure divorce is not just a knee-jerk reaction to a particularly stressful time.  Once you broach the subject with your spouse, it may be difficult to turn back.

If A Holiday Season Divorce is What You Really Want, Give up the Guilt

If you have deliberated and come to the conclusion that there is no option but to divorce, then accept the decision and move forward. Many people who experience guilt feel horribly about the impact of this decision on the family, but if you truly believe it has to happen, it is probably best to just get it done. If, on the other hand, guilt is associated with the way you have handled yourself, you may need to do what you can to make amends and become a better version of yourself moving forward. Either way, extricate yourself from a relationship that has no chance with as much grace as possible.

Should You Wait Until After the Holidays?

When should you tell your partner how you are feeling? Every situation is different, of course. If you have concerns about the safety of yourself or your children, then by all means make a hasty departure. Otherwise, timing the discussion can be tricky. Splitting shortly before or during the holidays has the potential to stain future years with an unpleasant memory for you, your children, and your spouse. Is the desire to get out of your marriage so urgent that you would risk bringing back a flood of painful memories for everyone involved at this time of year? No one wants to associate the holidays with feelings of sadness. Would waiting a few weeks be worthwhile? Continue reading →

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Getting DivorcedIs getting divorced in your future? When couples say I Do, they are thinking of a happily ever after. No one imagines that the bliss of their wedding day will eventually fall to the depths of divorce. Yet statistics show that one in five couples experience marital disruption within the first five years of marriage. Over half of couples suffer a separation, divorce, or death after 20 years together. The question newlyweds all ask is, why? Why do feelings of devotion take a 180-degree turn for so many couples?

Getting Divorced. A Psychotherapist’s Explanation

Psychotherapist Esther Perel notes that all couples experience the same types of problems  The difference in successful marriages hinges on the ways in which partners communicate and relate to one another. Specifically, couples who overtly focus on interacting with kindness, empathy, and understanding seem to endure, while those who resort to blaming, ostracizing, and suspicion tend to have less happy unions.  That being said, what are the issues that couples of all stripes face, and that lead to divorce most often?

Problems that May Lead to Getting Divorced

  • Infidelity, whether physical or emotional, takes a serious toll on any relationship. Whether the betrayal involves a one-night-stand or a long-term relationship, recovering from a cheating episode is an extraordinary challenge.
  • Financial difficulties can cause serious stress for couples, especially if partners have different spending patterns, or if one partner’s earnings intimidate the other.
  • Death of a child or other extreme stresses can take a toll on even the strongest of relationships.  Dealing with serious illnesses, losses, or significant unexpected changes in life can devastate one or both partners, making teamwork and connection difficult, if not impossible.
  • Addictions can destroy families because one partner is unable to put the marriage and family before the addiction. While many people successfully overcome addictions and save their marriages, many simply do not.
  • Religious differences may not seem important on the wedding day, but down the road there may be some serious issues over how to raise the children. Maybe one spouse even wants the other to convert. Serious religious issues can be difficult areas in which to compromise.
  • Weight gain, though seemingly superficial, may lead to a dearth in intimacy and is often cited as a reason to call it quits.
  • Growing apart is often named as the reason for getting divorced. As the years progress, couples find they have different interests and passions, and simply do not share much anymore. Empty nesters, in particular, may feel the need to strike out on their own.

Continue reading →

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SpyingSpying on your spouse? Angry divorce proceedings often lead individuals to seek proof of wrongdoing. Sometimes the quest for this proof takes the form of spying in order to ascertain whether or not a spouse is cheating, to discover a secret cache hidden away somewhere, or to catch the unwitting spouse in the midst of other activities that might persuade a judge of massive personality flaws that might otherwise go unnoticed. While the temptation to hire a private eye or to actually perform your own sleuthing may be real, such actions are at best misguided, and at worst, illegal. Seeking local legal representation might be a wise choice.

Spying for Proof of Extramarital Affairs

Let us say that you have pictures or other irrefutable proof that your spouse has engaged in extramarital activities that are unseemly. Having this proof in hand will not help you in the divorce settlement. Why? California is a no-fault state, meaning punishments cannot be handed down from the bench for immoral behavior.  Property accumulated during the course of the marriage will be divided in compliance with California’s community property laws, regardless of tawdry behavior by your spouse. The only exception is when domestic violence is a factor in the divorce.

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staying togetherHow many times have you heard unhappy couples say that they are putting off divorce until the kids get older so as to avoid traumatizing them? Staying together for the sake of the children is commonly cited as a reason to avoid the split. Just how healthy a choice is it?

Facing Reality

Suffering an unhappy marriage leaves one with several choices:

  • Stay in the relationship and be miserable;
  • Stay in the relationship and fix it;
  • Get out of the relationship.

Taking a hard look at options can help you to make the right decision for you and your family.

Children of Divorce

In one study of adult children whose parents divorced during their early years, four out of five came through the experience emotionally healthy. The study indicated that many of these children were stronger and more balanced than children whose parents did not divorce.

On the other hand, parents should be aware of the fact that any divorce, no matter how amicable, is going to rock their children’s universe. Their lives will be dramatically altered, and pretending otherwise will not benefit anybody. Experts say two key factors impact the emotional well being of children when their parents call it quits:

  • Parents should continue to parent. It is important that children do not get swept up in adult matters that should be confined to the adult world;
  • Children fare best when they continue strong relationships with both parents.

Although any divorce will be painful, children whose parents handle the situation with calm and balanced emotions themselves do not generally have children who face long-term psychological issues. When children are protected from conflict and drama, they can survive the disruption of divorce.

Staying Together in a Low-Conflict but Unhappy Marriage

Many studies, in fact, indicate that the children of people who are unhappily married grow up feeling unhappy themselves. The constant exposure to conflict, or even to indifference, can weigh heavily on the young psyche.

Furthermore, children often grow up to replicate the relationships they have experienced and observed. What parent wishes for a mediocre or unhappy marriage for their children?

What about staying together and waiting until the kids are out of the house before splitting? Consider the fact that children might face serious guilt when they realize their parents sacrificed their own happiness and satisfaction for the sake of the kids.

Teach by Example

The question of divorce is complicated under any circumstances, and the best interest of the children is surely one of the most important considerations. If you are wavering on the issue of staying together or to move forward with plans to divorce, ask yourself some key questions:

  • Am I willing to give my marriage a real shot in order to create the robust, loving example I want my children to see and experience?
  • If divorce is likely going to be the ultimate outcome, am I fooling myself by thinking that staying together is better for the kids even if they grow up watching an unhealthy relationship?

Continue reading →

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Hiding AssetsHiding assets in a California divorce? Divorcing couples are required to divide their assets in order to go their separate ways. Since California is a community property state, anything accumulated during the marriage must be divided equally. Sounds simple, right? What if you suspect your soon-to-be ex is hiding assets to which you are legally entitled? It happens more than you might think, and that is precisely why effective legal representation is a must.

Dirty Tricks

The higher earning spouse may have a number of sneaky maneuvers planned in order to keep more than his or her fair share of your accumulated earnings:

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smartphone evidenceSmartphone Evidence and your divorce case. Have you ever used your smart phone to send a nasty message? Have you ever sent that nasty message to your soon to be ex spouse? If you are heading into a divorce, or are in the middle of one right now, it would be foolish and costly to sabotage yourself with nasty messages using your smart phone. Unfortunately, in the heat of a dispute, that is exactly what many people do. If you wish to file for divorce and believe text messages or other postings may be used to impact the proceedings, an experienced divorce attorney can help.

Smartphone Evidence – The Problem

Nine out of 10 leading divorce lawyers report an uptick in the number of cases they have seen in the past three years in which smartphone evidence, particularly text messages and social media posts, have been used. The president of AAMI, a group of professionals who handle prenuptial agreements, separations, property divisions, and like matters calls the problem “spontaneous venting.” Many of the comments sent can lead to problems for the sender in a divorce proceeding.

While email typically gives the sender a bit more time to reflect before hitting the send button, it is one more way that people get themselves into trouble. When getting a divorce, remember:  Anything in writing might someday make its way before a judge. If you do not want the judge to read it, you probably should not be writing it in the first place.

How can Smartphone Evidence Hurt Your Situation?

Messages you have sent and pictures you have posted may be used to show your state of mind, to reveal who you may have communicated with with or where you may have been, or even to indicate contradictions in your disclosures to the court. Also, in California, child custody decisions are made with the best interests of the child in mind. If you have revealed yourself to be a crazy maniac, or, worse, a threatening and potentially violent individual, it will not bode well for you in front of a judge.

Is Smartphone Evidence an Invasion of Privacy?

You have sent the text message or posted the comments and photos. Now they are on someone else’s device. If it has hot been deleted, it may be printed out and submitted to the court. Even if deleted, it is possible to subpoena the cell phone company to preserve the content of cell phone messages using the Stored Communications Act in conjunction with state law. Continue reading →

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divorceAll marriages experience ups and downs, but when are things serious enough to consider a divorce? Research indicates common themes in the literature predictive of divorce:

Feelings of Contempt: If you or your spouse resorts to contemptuous feelings and behaviors when dealing with problems, the marriage may be at risk. Regardless of the issue at hand, eye rolling, sarcasm, berating, and name-calling lead to a feeling of helplessness. Problems cannot be solved in this environment.  Passive-aggressive statements are yet another symptom of contempt.  Instead, couples should address complaints without blame or criticisms.

Scorekeeping: When one spouse is more focused on keeping score in a marriage than on building a loving relationship, it can spell disaster. Successful marriages cannot be centered on winning and losing. Spouses should instead consider strong communication, love, and forgiveness a win-win.

Differing Goals: Does one of you want a big family and the other hate the idea of kids?  Does one want to party whenever possible, and the other prefer cozy nights at home? Is traveling the globe the ultimate dream for one of you, while the other is completely comfortable planted in the neighborhood in which you have always lived? When couples have huge differences in the things they want from life, if can make for a challenging marriage.

One Person does all the Compromising: Does one person always hold out to get the final say on the tv shows you watch or the restaurants you go to? Does one spouse feel disappointment that the other shows minimal interest in his or her needs on a day-to-day basis? Compromise is a key factor in successful marriages, but when one spouse is constantly expected to give in to the other’s desires, it can lead to feelings of resentment. It makes one wonder about the motivations for staying with someone who is not concerned about who you are or what you need.

Bad Views Rule: Research indicates that couples who remember the sweet, tender beginnings of their relationship, even when going through tough times, are more likely to survive. Alternately, if the focus is on the shortfalls of the other spouse and the mutual admiration and respect has dissipated, the marriage is in trouble.

Debt: One of the biggest stressors to any marriage is money trouble, particularly if one spouse is a big spender and the other is not. In that circumstance, the risk for divorce is 45% more likely. Setting and living within a budget can save unnecessary arguments and harrowing stress.

A Lousy Sex Life: When antagonism, or a simple lack of interest in your spouse, results in a limited or nonexistent sex life, the marriage is in trouble. Healthy communication and the ability to enjoy one another intimately can build a bond that helps couples through challenging times.

You do Not Spend Time Together: Couples who do not share hobbies and interests, as well as other friendships, are at greater risk of divorce. Particularly, when one spouse purposefully becomes detached, the relationship should be evaluated.

Stonewalling: Spouses who evade one another or punish with the cold shoulder are avoiding solving their issues. Instead of open and clear dialogue, problems become swept under the rug, where they fester until they have to be addressed—usually with anger.

Wedding Planning Issues: Beware if planning the wedding became more important than the relationship between the couple. Continue reading →

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Substance Abuse and DivorceAre you considering divorcing a spouse who has trouble with substance abuse? Anyone experiencing a divorce can tell you that there are all kinds of mitigating factors that may impact divorce proceedings and outcomes. One particular issue that can have a substantial bearing on your divorce agreement is addiction. When one or both partners suffer from drug or alcohol issues, matters may become more complex than ever. A good divorce attorney is your best bet when facing these issues.

Marriages Ruined by Substance Abuse

The statistics on marriages when substance abuse is involved are not encouraging:

  • Close to 30 million people are married to an alcoholic or drug addict.
  • Nearly 10% of divorces are related to substance abuse;

Is Divorce the Right Choice for You?

Experts advise considering divorce under certain key circumstances involving addiction:

  • Married life is substantially impacted due to substance abuse;
  • Self destructive behavior has long-term or severe impacts on you and your family;
  • Your spouse refuses to participate in counseling sessions, or attends sessions with negligible outcomes;
  • Your spouse lies, hides things, fails drug tests, and/or is responsible for “disappearing” money;
  • Your spouse engages in dangerous behaviors while under the influence of prescription drugs, illegal substances, or alcohol;
  • Cheating, beating, or other irresponsible behavior accompanies substance abuse;
  • You find yourself embarrassed and unwilling to face your family and friends due to symptoms and events related to addiction;
  • You make excuses for your spouse’s addiction and related behaviors on a regular basis.

Before Filing for Divorce

As you embark on this difficult period of your life, try to establish a strong support network of family, friends, and professionals. Groups like Al-anon, Nar-Anon, and Families Anonymous can help you through the tough days ahead. In addition, some practical things you should consider include:

  • Securing your finances;
  • Helping your spouse to find professional services;
  • Documenting any issues connected to the addiction;
  • Finding support for your children as they experience the divorce;
  • Hiring a responsive attorney.
Your Divorce Agreement

In addition to the typical separation of property and debt issues that all couples face in divorce, (California is a Community Property state) when you divorce an addict, additional measures must be taken, especially when dependent children are involved. It is essential that your divorce agreement include required participation in a reliable drug- and/or alcohol-testing program.  Visitation must be contingent on clean reports, or must be supervised.

Furthermore, you should consider the possibility that the mention of divorce may result in more extensive drug or alcohol abuse. This, in turn, may lead to anger and potential violence. Be sure to secure a safe place to stay for yourself and your children. Continue reading →

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